Ask a friend what you could do better on stage and almost all of them will say the same thing: nothing, you were great. They are being kind. It is also no help at all.

Honest feedback is hard to come by, so you have to go looking for it. Find a coach, or someone who will genuinely tell you what you are doing wrong. Or film yourself and watch it back, and be really critical. Could you lose some of the ums? Do you have a habit or a tick you never noticed? Is there something that gives away your nerves?

It also helps to ask the speakers you admire how they do what they do. Early in my career I watched Bruce Lawson talk about web standards and thought, man, he is so good, and I am so bad. So I asked him how he did it, privately and off camera, and I learned a lot from him. Most good speakers are happy to talk about their craft. You just have to ask.

There is another lesson here, and it comes from my own experience on stage. These days people sometimes tell me how confident I seemed, after talks where I felt anything but. You never really know how a speaker is feeling. The person who looks completely in command might feel like a fraud, or be quietly unsure about the topic they are talking about. Comparing your insides with someone else’s outsides is never a fair fight.

Your friends will keep telling you that you’re great. Let them. Just don’t rely on them to make you better.